Breaking Down Justin Biebers "Boyfriend"

If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go
I can take you places you ain’t never been before

Like the dungeon in his house.

Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow

SCREW YOU, I LIVE OFF THE LAND!

Swag swag swag, on you
Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue
IDK, why are you eating fondue?  

I dunno about me but I know about you
So say hello to falsetto in three two"  

ONE! We get it, you can sing in a high voice, thanks for telling us what you are about to do IN your lyrics. We would have realized when it happened. but thx, thx a lot. srsly, thx!

I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you

No.

If I was your boyfriend, never let you go

You forgot an "I'd"

Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone

There you go!

I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

Merp. 

Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe

OH OKAY, so now we are referencing characters from Toy Story? Well Buzz lightyear couldn't even fly! so get your facts straight my goodness.

I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow
Burr

I don't get that because, do things glow when they are in the snow???? But i guess snow is cold so the "burr" makes a little sense. 

Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the ---- world ends
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and

You'll be dancing in this relationship, so beware. and you'll get dizzy and it sounds to me like justin bieber is just a dance nazi and you'll be twirling and spinning until your legs fall off and you die of exhaustion, so good luck. hope you like death.

Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind
Swaggie
Did you just once again explain in your lyrics what you are about to do in your own son while at the same time compliment yourself? At least you made up for it by saying "swaggie," because that sounds adorable. 

I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

Oh look it's that prisoner type thing again. 

So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right

If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, never let you go
lol I wonder if selena gomez like, sleeps in a cage?

Na na na, na na na, na na na
Ya girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey

I literally understood none of that so I can't even comment.  

Nepotism in Hollywood

BEFORE I EVEN START THIS POST.....

What happened to blogger!? Seriously, I leave for like a month and everything is different when i come back. It's no longer my fat friend from elementary school, now this blogger gets all the guys. I don't even get that weird analogy that i just made up, but whatever. Hi, HELLO, i'm here!

This blog post is a reaction to my frustration over the internet hating Lena Dunham and the rest of the cast of "Girls," (the new HBO show) just because they have famous parents and everyone is like, "Nepotism, wahh wahh blah blah."

Well guess what world? Like, 99% of Hollywood spawns from older hollywood. And i bet you love them the same! Here are just a few people who have famous parents:

Maya Rudolph Mom: Minnie Ripperton
Kate Hudson Mom: Goldie Hawn
Michael Douglas Dad: Kirk Douglas
Colin Hanks Dad: Tom Hanks
Ben Stiller Parents: Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara
Gwyneth Paltrow Mom: Blythe Danner
Bryce Dallas Howard Dad: Ron Howard 
Robin Thicke Dad: Alan Thicke
Liv Tyler Dad: Steven Tyler
Shiloh Pitt: Parents: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie


ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE PRETTY AWESOME! With legitimate talent, and you don't hate them, do you??? Or maybe you do, I don't know, maybe you are also a cat and have 6 legs, I DON'T KNOW. But what I do know is, having famous parents helps, yes, but it doesn't keep you famous.  (there are exceptions to every rule, see: math)


I for one think the girls of "Girls" are awesome, funny and don't even want to use the name of their parents for their own success. You know who does? Paris Hilton. I bet. I can't say for a fact that she does, but I have this weird feeling about it, call it a hunch. 


So, to wrap this short post up: blogger is different and it's weird to me, and also hollywood is weird so that's weird. life is weird. weird weird weird. 


sorry for this poop. BYE!

St. Patty's Day truth

Just incase you didn't know, this is the story of St. Patty's day via my own tweets. 

this isn't a tumblr, but I. DON'T. CARE.

I Peaked in Elementary School

You know how people are always like, "I think I peaked in high school?" and are all depressed because post high school their life is like a sad lifetime movie? OR much more likely someone is talking bad about someone else and says, "ew, whatever she totally peaked in high school" Well this scenario is kind of like that, except I am fairly certain I peaked in elementary school.

Why elementary school? Because grades 1-5 were AMAZING!

But here are the reasons in list form (my favorite type of form!):

1) I was on TV!!!!!! I was chosen to be on the Rosie O'Donnell show as a little 2nd grader living in new york city, as part of her Easter episode. To get on the show I lied and said that Harriet the Spy was my favorite movie, even though I hadn't seen it. (back then that was living on the edge, my middle name isn't rebel for nothing! it's not rebel at all, it's Alyssa) So then I got to be on the Easter episode and we took a limo to the show and got these gigantic gift bags, and I got to be interviewed by Rosie for all of 5 seconds before doing an Easter egg hunt on the stage. I must tell you-- you want to be cool in 2nd grade? GO ON A NATIONAL TELEVISION TALK SHOW!!!

I made that crazy looking egg, and i'm also wearing my favorite smiley face earrings, YOU KNOW IT! 

THERE I AM!!!!!! I AM WEARING GREEN CLOTHES AND A LARGE SCRUNCHIE!

2) I got to ice skate with Bill Cosby. This was another one of those things that I was chosen for. He used to have that show 'Kids Say the Darndest Things', and they pooled a bunch of kids from my school to be on it (people love kids from public school in Manhattan apparently, what are we POOR? HA. HA. HA).  I actually spent most of that day crying because I wasn't getting enough attention- and that should have been a glaring red flag to my twitter/facebook days. Either way, another way to be cool in elementary school-- GO ICE SKATING WITH BILL COSBY!

3) I was a bonafied star!!! I was in drama club and got the lead in Peter Pan (yes I was peter, a girl always plays peter it's NORMAL.) And my sister played Wendy, we were like cool twins who starred in the school play, yes our parents were so proud!!!

4) I had a boyfriend for valentines day. 5th grade was the only year of my life I've ever had a boyfriend for valentines day. (see: peaked) It was a pretty serious romance, we even sat near each other on the carpet during reading time in class. we broke up shortly thereafter-- I just wasn't ready to hold hands.

4) I was in ALP. which was this program for smart kids (or for kids who weren't good at math...I can't remember). I made a slide show on Chinese calligraphy which thinking back on it made no sense, and it was in Chinese so I guess we will never know. ALP > AP CLASSES. NOT REALLY AT ALL.

5) I LEARNED TO READ DURING THOSE YEARS! LIFE CHANGING!

This scientific graph speaks for itself.

BOYCOTT SIDEWALKS. 

BE SAFE, USE A HOVERBOARD.

Horse wrangler fed up

Area horse wrangler fed up with people saying, "hold your horses."

Kansas man Jim Montgomery is sick and tired of hearing the phrase hold your horses told to people who have no experience with horses. Jim, whose job is basically to hold horses in place thinks the phrase is overused and "idiots like them yankees" have probably never even seen a horse in real life.

"They don't know what they be talking about, I been doin this fer 63 years," Says Jim

Here's an audio clip from an interview with Jim:

Jim holding on tight with his two horses

my dog ate my homework, BUT REALLY

Why is it that "my dog ate my homework" is the most unacceptable excuse in the world for not having your homework?

dogs eat things. they eat homework, especially if peanut butter is on it.

I'd like to introduce everyone to Brodie, my dog who will literally eat anything. Who has teared up more plastic bags than one who tears up plastic bags for a living!! (whoever does that) you would think my dog has some kind of long running family fued with socks, the way he kills and mutilates each one. or the paper towels/napkins, canvas bags, coat pockets, shoes, bras, etc. what I'm saying is, I wouldn't put it past a dog to eat a piece of paper with math on it and not think twice about it, but If that were to actually happen, a teacher wouldn't give ya no extension! She'd be like, "ha.ha.ha.ha. Okay tommy, nice try. F is for FAT like YOU." (tommy is a chubby kid) then she'd stamp your paper with a big F because that's how teachers do things, they stamp.

Here are excuses that teachers should look out for, because they are probably false, THANK ME LATER:


"my alien friend took my homework back with him to his planet"

"I was reading "the grapes of wrath" on the bus and didn't see my hw fall out of my bag"

"I spilled V8 on it this morning"

"My mom stole my homework because she needed to study the pythagorean theorem for work"

"My robot/maid shredded it through her belly"

OKAY, SO EVERYONE JUST STOP BLAMING THE DOGS.

moving on...

every morning on my way to work (or starbucks, or a museum, whatever my schedule seems to be for the week) there is this large security camera in the subway that I make a funny face at. I just look it square in the lens and do something weird with my face, or at least make eye contact with it. So I like to think that i'm pretty cool with the security people of new york city, because they are like, "guys, guys wait it's 8:45 that girl is coming through and is going to make a face again" and then like 3 people hover over security tv's and wait for the moment that the crowd rushes through and then there I am and i'm like, "BLAM!" and their morning is made and then they eat pizza.

OR

I'm wanted for suspicious behavior and my pic is plastered somewhere with my lips curled under, my eyes wide open and my head cocked [giggle] to one side and that is a very scary situation.

sorry about this

also, yesterday on the subway two drag queens boarded my car and then started performing a song for money. Try not to smile and dance to yourself while two drag queens belt out rent songs, and tell you upfront they are not on crack. (unfortunately because that would probably have been a crazier performance) so anyway I was so entertained that I took out the last dollar I had to give to these two ladies/men. I was so excited for them to come over to me, I'd give my dollar and they would probably be like, "thanks girl, great hair!" but they didn't come around near me to collect the money! so I just sat there, with a dollar I was so eager to give to two drag queens, but didn't have the chance to do so. Now I guess I will just have to use that dollar on something else like food or water. Ugh what a travesty.


bye I apologize for this post

craigslist fun part 1

spoiler alert: this is what I did while in college. So yes, having a sense of humor is way more important to me than a 2.3 GPA. KIDDING. 2.4**

Back in '09 I thought it would be fun to randomly email people from craigslist, and see what their responses were. With the help of my wonderfully funny and enthusiastic friends, we made up a fake email address, and as most cool college kids do, spent some of our nights craiglist-pranking people.



this person was giving away a pillow that was stitched with "Home Sweet Home" on it. I am Jeremy Jeremiah:

Why bother emailing you? BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LIKE A COMPLIMENT?

 This person was looking for Horse back riding lessons. I'm the one on the bottom:

This person was giving away a set of kitchen knives. I'm on the bottom:

 hahahahaahahahhaaWAIT WHAT, YOU SICKO! MURDERER I BET!!!



this person was giving away a kitten from their pregnant cat. I'm on the bottom:

 That persons language is DISGUSTING, they should be ashamed.



This person was giving away used tires, i'm on the bottom:

 just makes me giggle because hi, I said five tires like twice, when you only need four! OMG HAHAHA.



this person was giving away free newspapers.

I agree, there is nothing funny about the toddler in a cage staring at me right now.



well that was fun. It's also what I spent some of my time doing today, so please do check back for craigslist fun part 2. In the meantime, come back regularly for your regular edition of itsayapworld. and don't forget to tell all your friends to follow me on twitter: @itslaurenyap.

** I got way higher than a 2.4 GPA, that was just for dramatization, so don't freak out!

Found these videos via the website/blog HelloGiggles. It's a web series called Lady Parts, and I think it's really funny in the dryest way. Like a desert. A funny desert. Enjoy!